I Wonder.

There are times I wonder how it’s changed me.

I used to have a romance about me. I believed in people to an unbelievable degree, even though it was unclear as to why. In most situations I felt as though I knew a person before they spoke. I trusted my judgement. I knew what was right, wrong, and who had good intentions and bad ones. It is ridiculous looking back on it, but at age 17 I felt like I knew my father for who he really was and treated him as such.

At age nineteen I believed I knew who Ben was, and I treated him as such. I followed that pattern for 12 years, no matter how broken and painful it got. When we started, I was blindingly happy. I felt as though it was all going to be okay, because I had found a man who would take care of me. A man that would guide me in the right direction because he loved me and he could clearly see how lost I was.

It’s a nauseating thought in hindsight. Most of them are. Even good memories are bad ones because they aren’t real. They belonged to someone that doesn’t exist, and never really did. She was a girl who thought she knew everything. And she treated herself as such.

Getting older comes with so much clarity, and I know some people that would laugh at me considering I’m 36. I don’t have the years under my belt (according to some) to suggest I know what It would take to turn someone old and wise in a deep way. In a soul changing way. I can’t say that I blame them, because rewind ten years and I thought I’d been through it all. That’s so laughable.

I still wonder how it’s changed me.

I used to have a softness about me. I’ve never been gentle or quiet, don’t get me wrong. But there was a time that I could laugh easily at a stranger’s joke. I could be kind in a genuine way that wasn’t a struggle to attain. It came as naturally as breathing. I trusted people. Someone tells me it’s nice to see me? Well wonderful! It’s nice to see you too! You’re happy to hear I’m doing well? Right back at you!

A man could approach me with a smile and I didn’t believe they were out to hurt me.

A person could tell me they thought I was beautiful and I believed them. I would blush with the truth of it, smile and thank them. I wouldn’t shoo away the compliment, because I thought they were telling me the truth. Because that’s what I thought of myself, though it was is small increments, that is how I saw myself. As beautiful and unique.

I see now how’s it’s changed me.

Sweeping symphonies couldn’t make me feel romantic. Stranger’s jokes make me tired and they are rarely funny. I certainly DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING. If someone approaches me with a smile, I’m aware of the reality that they could hurt me without a second thought. I’m aware that they probably WILL hurt me without a second thought.

This isn’t taking from the people that are in my life now. The people that love me so much they put up with my many failings. They are there and I’m infinitely grateful, in the realest way I know how. I hope they all know what they mean to me… I don’t have a romance about me. I can’t explain it in a way that could possibly match my heart.

I know how it’s changed me. Everything is real now. I’m real now, even the bad parts, I can breathe with them and they move with me and I’m grateful for it all. There hasn't been a time in my life where I've known myself more. I finally trust again.

I'm okay with that change. I don't really have to wonder about that.